I Bake Shit...

So somehow at my friend's graduation party, I offered to make cupcakes for another friend's graduation party. I wasn't sure if I had actually done that until I got a text from her two days later saying that her stepmom wanted me to do the cupcakes. And then I asked the question that would seal my fate: How many cupcakes do you need? She responds with something along the lines of "Well 75 people were invited." That's right folks 75 cupcakes. My main concern was not my tiny kitchen or my tiny oven that I can only do 1 dozen at a time in or decorating them in a cute fashion. No friends, my main concern was transporting them in my precious car. I have to get them from Long Beach to Upland. Which ain't like going around the corner. No it's like going 50 miles. But whatever I got that sorted out. Although I also, volunteered to make a cake for a potluck at work AND another one for a birthday party. Ahhh.... it sucks to bake well. Wait, no it doesn't.

In which I ramble about my love...

So roughly 24 hours ago I was being blown away by the awesomeness that is Ben Folds live and in person. The man is pretty bad ass. It's no wonder that he's my favorite.

About 4 hours before that I was feeling very awesome to have a friend who is willing to let me park at her apartment and then drive me to the Palladium AND come pick me up afterward. Marisa rocks my socks. If you don't know her you are missing out!

Conclusions

I was driving to work this morning and it occurred to me what my problem with most Republicans is. I feel like the majority of Republicans aren't willing to look forward. They aren't willing to accept the change that is surely coming. They resist and form this front of negativity. I don't fully understand why they are so hesitant to look at things from other view points. I can honestly say that I've looked at things from the other side. I've listened to people who don't agree with me. I don't always feel like I'm heard though. I'm not trying to make rash generalizations here. I'm simply stating the way I feel.

A friend of mine once told me that Bill Clinton scared her. I didn't understand that. Bill Clinton is not scary in my book. Sure he's a philanderer and then he lied about it. I don't think he really did much that was scary. He reformed some things that needed reforming. He was the great white hope of the 1990s. Scary, not so much.

I just wish that people had the ability to look past political affiliation and see that we all have a common goal: a better America; a better world.

Time

I'm doing something that I can honestly say I haven't done in years. I'm sitting in my room listening, really listening, to a CD that I just purchased. I know it's not very current of me to still be purchasing physical CDs but I really don't care. Sometimes you need something to hold on to. So the CD is Ben Folds Presents: University A Cappella! It's making me really happy.

I've had a lot on my mind since this weekend. Saturday was a really great day until I saw the person who broke my heart. The fact that he reacted as badly to this encounter as I did makes me feel better. I'm glad that it's not only hard for me. I didn't speak to him. It's not necessary. I have nothing to say to him. I've recently stopped feeling like I need to apologize for taking the entire thing that transpired between the two of us. I don't need anyone's judgment for my feelings. Yes, I took it too hard. No, I wasn't the least bit graceful. Yes, I could have handled it better. I didn't. I wasn't. I did what I could with the tools I had.

I have a habit of not relying on people when I'm going through things. I tend to hold things in and internalize them. I'm probably partly to blame that things all landed on my head. I'll accept that but I'll be damned if I'm going to absolve him.

Ownership

Lately, I've been all about ownership and being accountable for the type of person you are in the world. In that I've super accepting of my short comings and things in which I don't always excel. I've accepted that I am sometimes closed off with my emotions and whom I choose to be open with. I have owned up to my inability to be forthcoming with how I feel about certain things that other people do. I've accepted that I'm not always a great friend or perfect communicator. I am trying to be a better version of myself. I want to improve as a person and as a part of that I must be responsible for the energy I put out into the world in all my interactions.

Things I do

There are a lot of things I do that cause me very little shame:

• I watch American Idol and America's Next Top Model. I didn't start doing either one of these things until I moved back to Southern California and into my dad's house. My stepmom is a big fan of both shows and I started watching with her. I'm now hooked and I'm glad that when I go visit them this weekend, I'll get to chat with her and my step-aunt about this week's episode. (That is, if they had time to watch. If not I'll make them sit down and watch.) Also our old neighbor does the back-up vocals for Hollywood Week.
  
• I listen to country music. I enjoy it. I listen to Go Country every morning on the way to work. I think that Shawn Parr is funny. I'm a big fan of music you can sing along with and country satisfies that need.
• I sometimes talk to myself when I'm out shopping in the grocery store or Target. It's just something that happens.
• I also talk to strangers in line at the grocery store or Target. This is something my mom does. I used to think it was annoying. Now I do it all the time. I'll just start talking to people. It may be about something they are buying or really anything. I'm a talker. My mom is a talker. Hell, my dad is the King of the Talkers.
• I trip over things that just aren't there. On Sunday I was walking into the kitchen and my right foot slipped forward and I came crashing down on my left knee. It now has a bruise. I've hurt myself the three out the four last weekends. First, I sliced into my thumb causing the geyser of blood. Second, I burned my hand bad enough to warrant a blister. The knee was number three and it was in all honesty the mildest since it didn't start hurting until last night.
• I watch Gossip Girl, 90210 and Privileged. Yes, they are aimed at the 13-16 set but I don't care. They don't require that I pay a whole lot of attention and I think my need to watch Heroes and Law & Order more than makes up for it.

I think that's it. There are probably more but I can't think of them or I'm not willing to share them with the internet at large.

Understanding

I have this desire to understand Republicans. I mean truly understand how they could stand behind George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, John McCain and Sarah Palin. I want to grasp at what they are gaining and who they are protecting by not allowing homosexuals the legal right to marry. I want to understand how these people gain ground. I don't get it. I really want to understand. I want a reason that is outside of the religion arguement. I want to hear something that goes beyond "Democrats are just wrong". I want a fully realized argument about why healthcare is not something provided to ALL American citizens. I don't get any of it and I would really like to. I haven't heard a valid argument for any of it. All I've ever heard is bashing. Granted that same bashing led me to vote for Arnold Schwartzenegger in the gubernatorial election over that ass hat Phil Angelides.

I'm not a fan of mud slinging or catch phrases. "Yes we can" is awesome; unless we don't. You can't say that or "maverick" repeatedly and possibly think you have an argument. You have to back up what you say.

I think ultimately what I want is someone to sit down with me and in the most non-partisan, unemotional way explain to me what the Republicans stand for besides religion, money and guns. When it comes down to it, I don't know a whole lot about them. They confuse me. I am not related to any Republicans (that I know of). I don't have any friends from whom I can gain insight. I don't want to argue about where Republicans and Democrats are right or vice versa. I want someone to educate me in a calm way. A way that is non-accusatory and non-threatening. I don't want to push back. I want to be able to sit still and listen politely and keep my big mouth shut when I don't agree. For this conversation should be held in the spirit of greater understanding with the ideal that from it both parties will have greater understanding of the other.

I once took a class called Jewish-Christian Relationship. Basically, what we discussed for one whole semester was the differences of the two religions. What we found is that they are more alike than they are different. I like to think of the various world religions as thus: taking different routes to get to the same place. So I feel like this same principle can be applied to politics. That we are all traveling this path towards a better country, a better world but taking different paths to get there. We may not always agree but our paths will cross and if those crossing can be as peaceful and easy as possible then maybe we'll get their a little faster.

Here's to a non-partisan America.

in defense of car salesmen

My father has been in sales since he got his first job at 16. He's been selling cars since he was in his early 20s. I've grown up around car sales. My first job was as an evening receptionist at a car dealership my dad worked at. I know what people think of car salesmen. They are smarmy and only want your money. In the case of my father and some of his best friends in the business, they aren't that way. I have met some smarmy carsalespeople (women sell cars, too, and they are MEAN) but I noticed that most of them are just people you wouldn't want to talk to anyway.

One thing I've always hated was people going to car dealerships and getting upset (read: pissed off) that the salesman doesn't want to take them on a test drive. Um....duh. If you aren't going to buy the car then you are essentially wasting their time. Test drives take about 30 minutes when all is said and done. In that 30 minute window someone who is more serious about buying a car can come in and go buy from someone else or go to another dealership altogether. I've been on exactly one test drive in my whole life. I test drove my Rabbit and knew I wanted it after I got around the first block. The whole thing took about 10 minutes. I didn't want to waste my dad's friend's time since I wasn't getting the car that day.

The other thing I hate is when I was little and people would come in right when the store was closing and my dad would stay sometimes until 10:30pm with these people and not sell them a car. This is what car salesmen call a "nightmare" customer. They are the ones who waste precious HOURS of your time with questions and repeat test drives and the like only to go to another dealership.

Did you know that car salespeople work on commission? Well, they do. If you dick them around and cost them money, they aren't going to be happy. That's the way it works. Car salesmen are people, too.

Well!

I had a thought and I was totally going to post about it BUT it has left me. It's gone. Oh well. C'est la vie!

Here is something I was thinking about yesterday, though:

I've decided that I'm going to pretent I am ready to date. This stems from a conversation I had with some co-workers last Friday. Basically the jist of the conversation was "Fake it 'til you make it." So I'm just going to act like I'm not an emotional wreck 90% of the time and put myself out there and do the stuff that I like.

Basically, I'm going to try to make 2009 the year of positive thinking. I'm trying to be less negative, smile more, laugh more, and love more. I feel like what you put out there is what you get back. I've lived most of my adult life (all 5-8 years, depending on how you look at things) being a grumpy Gus, an Oscar the Grouch, if you will. I'm pretty tired of it.

I'm trying to avoid those things that make me feel poorly or negatively about things. Unfortunately, that has caused me to not seek out some of my friends. We shall see if that changes, but quite honestly they aren't seeking me out either. Such is life, I guess.

I've really changed in the past two and a half years. I think some of it is for the better and some of it was for the worst. For instance, I've become more positive but I've stopped going to church. I feel like one of the steps I'm going to need to take for myself is getting myself back into church. I don't generally feel God's presence when I'm there though and I think that's the disconnect. I used to feel something everytime I went and now it's like a void. I don't know. It hasn't hampered my belief in Him or His son or His spirit. It has, however, crushed my faith in humanity. I occassionally see random acts of kindness. But more often than not, I am seeing people judging others, being mean, laughing and ridiculing people and generally not being very good.

The other problem I've been running into is this: who am I to say that my way is the only way and that everyone who doesn't believe what I believe is wrong. In their minds, they aren't wrong. I think that essentially we are all going different routes to achieve the same thing. To find paradise, heaven, etc. So in that instance, is it right for me to act superior to my non-Catholic Christian brothers and sisters? I think not.

stupid shit that has been on my mind

• I want to tell people about my blog but I don't want anyone to know about it. Figure that one out for me, will you?
• I want a twitter but I don't think I'm very interesting. Or really interesting enough to have a twitter.
• I don't think the Eagles are going to win on Sunday. That has been my attitude most of the season. I think it's helped them. I'm not saying that I think they will lose, I just don't they are going to win.
• That being said: I really want to see the Eagles in the Super Bowl. It's Donovan's Time!
• I wish I could make myself leave the house long enough and cute enough to meet someone interesting and make a friend. But I suck at making friends. That's why all the friends I do have are old friends or I met them through other people. The only friend I've made on my own crazy merrit is my best good one.
• Shoes. Really that's all.
• I should use the Wii Fit more but I'm lazy. That's a problem, huh?
• I hope I find somewhere to have chili for super bowl. I think I found recipe that doesn't suck and that people will like. I've got a cupcake plan (brynne=dork!) and I'm ready. I just need a space. I wish I had my own personal bigger space but I don't.
• This is really disjointed. I'm going to stop.
• Have a loverly Monday.

Seriously?

So I'm feeling like talking about anything beyond the election is trite and unnecessary....BUT:

Last night I went to the Carrie Underwood concert at the Nokia Theather in Downtown Los Angeles with three of my best girlfriends, my best friend's mom, her daughter and her boyfriend. We had a great time. My friend's little one just turned 4 on Oct. 24 and she LOVE LOVE LOVES Carrie. She sang her little heart out until she passed out from exhaustion. One thing I noticed that has colored my opinion of Ms. Underwood was this video they showed about 1/3 of the way through the concert. The video showed her winning all the awards she's won, winning American Idol, and doing all of the good that she has done with her new found fame. The problem is this: I always thought that she was a humble, small-town girl because that is what they want you to believe. Her shameless "look at how great I am" video rubbed me the wrong way. I just feel like it was mostly unnecessary and self-gratifying. Is that going to make me stop listening to her? Probably not. I listen to lots of music by people that I wouldn't be friends with, so that's nothing new.

On the flip side in 8 days I'll be going to see the fabulous Mr. Ben Folds at the Wiltern Theater. I would totally be friends with Ben. He's super nice. When I met him in 2001 he was so nice and super nervous. He forgot the words to Brick at the meet and greet. We reminded him. He was pleased that people knew the words to his song better than him. When I saw him last summer at the Holly(weird) Bowl he got on top of the piano to play it. The man is awesome and I want to go get snacks with him and talk about dinosaurs. I'm excited.

Decisions

So I've been trying to cool my rage at people who are voting yes on Proposition 8. I mean really trying. I've tried to understand their side of it beyond the God hates gays and the our precious children will be scarred arguments. All it's been leaving me with is that they don't have anything to stand on beyond these arguments. People are using their religions and their children to justify their bigotry and hatred. I think the commercial narrated by Samuel L. Jackson says it best in that it displays the Great State of California's misguided views of "the other".
To take away anyone's rights is one of the worst things that can be done. Speaking as a black woman I cannot espouse anything that supports discrimination or bigotry of any group. The same God the "Yes on 8" people frequently quote also said that we are called to love our neighbors as we love ourselves and that all people are made equal in his sight. I can't possibly judge anyone's choices, lifestyle or anything of that nature. That's NOT my job. My duty as a Christian is to love the Lord God and to love my neighbor as myself. That is what I'm supposed to do.
My mom always says that you shouldn't judge someone unless you are prepared to be judged in that same fashion. I don't want to be judged for the way I live my life. I don't want to be judged for how I was born. I don't want to be judged for the choices and mistakes that I have made. The only person I'm prepared to have make judgment calls on me is God and last time I checked I'm not standing at the gates yet.

the thing is...

so george carlin died on sunday and i'm sad. in fact, i cried while sitting in my cubicle when i read it on monday. i couldn't finish the article because i was crying. the grandfather of one of the guys at work passed away yesterday and he looked spectacularly saddened. my grandmother has been gone for 6 years this month (i miss her like it was yesterday). death is something that we all see in our lifetimes. these amazing people who teach us and help us to grow and make us laugh and allow us to cry pass on and we are never the same. i'm feeling amazingly uninspired this week. i feel like i have nothing to contribute. i need to make a change. i'm turning into someone else everyday. why not push the envelope a little.